Okay, I've been thinking a lot lately (shaddap), and
Australia is pretty bloody pussy-whipped when it comes to the world
stage.
When was the last time we STARTED a war?
When was the last time we got in a serious feud with
someone over something actually IMPORTANT?
When was the last time we pushed someone around and
showed who's boss?
Damn straight, fricking never. Instead, we always
have to rescue either the British or Americans from the petty little
wars. Then after sacrificing all our materiel and men, they bloody
pretend like we did sweet fuck all. I was watching the History Channel
the other day and the Anzacs didn't even get a bloody mention when
they were talking about the British defending Tobruk. S'if.
So anyway, I started thinking about how we can make
our mark in history. How can we prove to the rest of the world we
can kick their arses (if we felt like it). Cause we can. And we
can drink all of youse under the table.
Anyway, the answer? Invade another country. Who's
the closest?
New Zealand.
Now, I know I was just talking about Anzacs and shit
defending Tobruk, but geeze, the Russians and Germans started World
War II with a treaty amongst themselves. Who remembers that? So
New Zealand it is.
Step
1: Control their ports
Everyone knows New Zealand have a shit navy. I mean, we can find
out just how shit from their WEBSITE. How daft is that? I quote:
"The current fleet comprises two Anzac class frigates, HMNZS
TE KAHA and TE MANA, an older Leander-class frigate HMNZS CANTERBURY,
a fleet replenishment ship (fuel tanker) HMNZS ENDEAVOUR and various
auxiliary ships for hydrographic survey, mine counter measures,
diving support and coastal patrol." Phht, s'if two "Anzac
class frigates" can do shit. Two saboteurs, and they're out
of here. Once we have the ports under control, we can finally
ship all the sweet-arse jap imports they've been hoarding over
to Australia. Huzzah! Cheap jap imports for all the rice boys
of Australia.
Step 2: Gain air superiority
New Zealand had the sense to sell half their air force to the
US, cause, seriously, the US need more military hardware. Read
here about how New Zealand likes to sell
their planes rather than use them. Our F18s have just proved themselves
in Iraq, it'd be a pushover to nail them with our air force. I'd
love to see Helen Clark backpedalling over the sale of their military
hardware after that.
Ok, it's at this point we obviously have them stuffed. All that's
left to defend against us are a few sheep and some scattered New
Zealanders who didn't make it over to Australia already. We've
won boys. Now to crush their moral and own their spirit too:
Step
3: Show them the usefulness in a male prime minister.
Ok, I could be digging myself into a ditch here, but in all honesty,
how shit have Jenny Shipley and Helen Clark been? Not only have
they stuffed up New Zealand's policy, they've made New Zealand
the laughing stock of the world. By liberating New Zealanders
from a female PM they'd start toppling statues and worshipping
Johnny Howard (which isn't necessarily good, but we'd have 'em
under control).
Ok, by this point, we've won. There's no way they could resist
any further. So what is my ulterior motive for all this?
Merge the All Blacks with the Wallabies.
Then Australia can rule the world!!!!!
PS: Before anyone writes in to tell me how I've spelt "material"
wrong (like Miles did when I showed him the article), I suggest
you check dictionary.com as to what materiel
is. Cheers.
Behind every successful man is an astonished mother-in-law.
Step
1: Control their ports
Step
3: Show them the usefulness in a male prime minister.
