Current Headlines:

How to have a Cool Mobile Phone ™

By Tim

Above: Nokia 1610. It's Nokia so it instantly gains street cred.

When owning a mobile phone, it's very important to have what is known as "street cred". Without this, your phone is nothing. Never mind the fact that it can make phone calls just fine, without "street cred", it is less than worthless. So how do you go about obtaining said phone? We show you in five easy steps.

Step one: Brand of the phone. The brand to get is Nokia. They make the best phones in the world and none other should be considered. Never mind the fact they lack key important features; you can upload ringtones, change the logo and mod them with blue-leds. That's all that matters. Oh, and you can play Snake. Who needs stuff like an in-call display timer or automatic keylock? They're just for Ericsson (and those other brands, as if I could be bothered remembering them all, they're all crap) faggots.

Step two: Upload a ringtone. Be sure to pick the most current top 40 song that has a really annoying tune. That way everyone will be really impressed when your phone rings, and realise just how damn cool you are. For instance, this ringtone is very cool because it's alternapop, while this one scores points because it's about getting high.

Step three: Upload a logo to the phone. Here it's important to get something classy yet still shows off how cool you are. For example, what shows what a chick magnet you are other than this? What about ? I think my favourite though is because it exudes class. Alternatively, you could just show how elitist, and therefore cool, you are with a charming logo like . What else is important? Showing you're not poor by the brand names you pick. Everyone knows the label maketh the man, so how about show off what sort of shoes you wear ? How about showing off that you drive a Ferrari by having its logo displayed on your 5110 ? And for the Formula 1 driver that has almost everything but can't show off what he does for a living? . Finally, don't forget to show off what a great job you've got to everyone.

Above: There. How much better does that look? LEDs AND a logo.

Step four: Modify the phone. Whatever kind of Nokia you get make sure you change the LEDs. If you got an 8250, change them to red LEDs. If you got anything else, change them to blue. This shows how unique and individual you are, adding hugely to your street cred. Be sure to play with it in dark public places such as the movies or nightclubs as often as possible so people notice how awesome your phone looks. Take off the cover so it glows even brighter.

Don't forget that you can also do other cool modifications. How about a flash sticker to show you the phone is ringing (just in case your ringer AND your vibrate is turned off)? Well you can have your cake and eat it too because these stickers also have awesome pictures of cats on them! And while you're at it, make sure you buy a joystick for playing the very cool Snake!

Also if you decide to not modify your phone LEDs, you can be even cooler by modifying your button LEDs. As illustrated, it is an effect that will leave bystanders gaping in the street, unable to comprehend the pure genius that is flashing different coloured buttons.

Above: Jesus I am jealous of this phone

Step five: Change the cover. You don't want to be a loser with the standard cover on your phone. Go out and get something that says you're you. Make sure people will be jealous of your cover and know how much street cred you must really have. If possible, get it of a European luxury car (one you own of course) or of your local sports team. If trying to maximise street cred, get one with nudie pictures on it.

There. That's it. You now have a phone worth of street cred. Enjoy it and bask in your own self glory.

We ain't cheap, but by gosh, we're good.