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Rules
for renting an apartment
By
Tim
 1.
Put any junk mail you get into other people's letter boxes. It's
a pain in the arse to take it all the way to the bin and s'if you'd
have one of those wanky stickers saying no junk mail. They have
to deal with their own junk mail so they can deal iith yours. Also
sporadically just dump it on the ground next to the letter boxes,
it makes for good decoration.
2.
Under no circumstances actually clean the apartment unless you have
a rent inspection. Tidying is permissable if attempting to impress
the opposite sex, but cleaning is definitely a no-no. The floor's
just going to get crap on it again, and who the hell can afford
fancy crap like a vacuum cleaner or mop? Besides, it's not your
place is it?
3.
Use your neighbours bins liberally. Put all the really heavy stuff
like bricks and old telephone books into them. If someone else puts
your bin out for you, make sure you don't bring it back in, and
sure as hell don't put yours out next week. Get them into the habit
of doing it for you. Leave stuff you should take to the dump sitting
next to the row of bins. Someone will take care of it eventually.
4.
There are only two things that should be kept in your fridge: beer
and condiments. Food is for people in houses.
5.
Use your balcony every night and then give your neighbours shitty
looks when they go out onto theirs. Go inside and turn on your really
noisy airconditioner or run the garbage gobbler for a while. Have
chain-smoking friends visit all the time, but slam your windows
and balcony doors if your neighbours have the nerve to smoke their
smelly brand of cigarettes. Complain loudly to your room-mate when
water splashes onto your balcony from them watering their plants.
Redirect any spiderwebs that end up on your balcony onto adjacent
ones. Make sure you use your barbeque to cook every night of the
week, particularly if you're on the bottom floor, and make it cajun,
with plenty of burnt tobasco.
6.
When watching movies, put your subwoofer on high but the sound down
low. Turn all your lights off while you're doing it so no one can
tell where the rumbling is coming from. Start watching movies at
2am.
7.
Send receipts for anything that isn't food to body corporate or
your rental office.
8.
Refuse to acknowledge even the existence of your neighbours. If
you see them in the hall, fiddle with your keys or something. Wait
in your car in the carpark until others have gone upstairs or driven
off before getting out. If you have the misfortune to make eye contact,
make sure you say something like "Hi Billy Bob!" even
when you know their name is Sarah.
9.
Test your neighbours doors when they're out.
10.
Wash your car in the middle of the driveway so noone can get in
or out while you're doing it. When someone tries to get in, refuse
to move and roll your eyes at them. When you're done make sure to
leave a sudsy pool of water that will take three days to evaporate.
Don't forget to spray the cars in the visitor car parks.
11.
Call the electrician provided by body corporate to change lightbulbs.
12.
Never, ever use the communal clothesline. Make a point of your mistrust
by hanging out your washing in full view of everyone but on your
own little rack, locked behind the balcony door.
13.
If you know someone is using a visitor park as their permanent space,
leave nasty notes in the letter box and report them to body corporate.
Once they stop parking in there, let your mates park their cars
in that spot when they're going to work or university.
14.
And last but not least: When you have a rent inspection,
cover any damage with paintings and posters. Claim anything to do
with the paint or plaster is due to age, even if you can see remants
of the sticky tape glue from where you ripped it off.
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