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August 2003
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The joys of living in a free country
By Adam - 12:41 PM, Friday, August 29, 2003 - 11 Comments |
As if Australia isn't already a joke in the eyes of the world, Melbourne is responsible for the most laughably disgusting transport ticketing system in existence.
This is how trams work: In an ill-thought-out effort to save money, all the tram conductors were sacked and ticket validation boxes were scattered about tram carriages, and you're supposed to zap your ticket. People don't bother zapping their ticket [obviously; it's not like you have to zap in order to board the tram], so they employed all these new people to make sure people were zapping their tickets.
Okay, so it's not the ideal system, and it's costing a fortune to do what worked well enough in the past. That's not the issue.
If you deliberately evade paying, you get fined. Fair enough. If you genuinely don't know how to use the system, you get fined. Not fair enough. If you can't pay for a ticket because you've only got notes and the machine only takes coins, you get fined. Certainly not fair enough.
I bought a monthly ticket. AU$86, it cost. That's fine. I budget for it, so it's cool. I validate it in the machine, and it validates the ticket but doesn't stamp mine with a date. So I'm left with a perfectly good ticket that's fully paid for and validated, but it doesn't have a date stamped on it.
I go into the little Met shop in the city to get my ticket fixed up. Of course it would be logical to have a machine in the shop that reads the magnetic strip, checks the expiry date and stamps that date on the ticket. A reasonable assumption, considering ticket printers are mechanical and can be expected to fail from time to time. But no, there's no such mechanism. Instead, you're expected to post your current ticket to some obscure place in the suburbs, where they process your request and send you a partial refund. "So what do I do if I want to use a tram?" I ask. "You might have to buy another ticket," says government worker #823756.
Not satisfied with this ridiculous prospect of buying another ticket, having already paid a lot of money, I call the Met Helpline to be told I can be fined if my ticket doesn't have a date stamped on it, and that the only way to avoid this is to buy more tickets.
So, I'm being penalised because their crappy bloody system doesn't work.
As you can probably guess, I'm pretty fucking pissed off about this. Right now I'm not in a position to fork out more money for something I've already paid for. But I'm lucky in that I can speak English and am able-bodied. What about people with poor English skills? What about elderly people, or disabled people? Buying a ticket means going to a train station or approved shop [trams don't sell weekly or monthly tickets]. How's granny Joyce going to get down the shops with all urgency, having to spend what's left of her pension on another ticket, because the existing system wasn't designed properly? She can't drive a car. She's not capable of walking 1.4 kilometres to the nearest shop that sells Met tickets. And she can't catch a tram until she gets the ticket, can she?
Public transport should not interfere with people, but Melbourne's transport ticketing system is as convoluted and anticonsumer as it could possibly be. Having heard recent news that tram inspectors will soon be allowed to approach people on the street, even if they just happen to be standing near a tram stop, and be able to 'detain' and fine them if they don't have a ticket, I think Melbourne has successfully offered itself up as the most embarrassingly stupid place in the whole country. It's a transport system for fuck's sake. It should be for people, not against them.
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I have travelled through time!
By Adam - 9:12 AM, Monday, August 25, 2003 - 10 Comments
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This morning I nipped down to the year 2021 and picked up a Melbourne edition of The Australian. Amongst dozens of fascinating pages concerning the fall of the internet, plans to recycle urine as drinking water, and newly elected President Eddie McGuire, was this article:
Registrar expansion thirteenth in two years
18th May 2021
The Registrar of Births Deaths & Marriages has announced plans to expand its operations, which, if the plans come to fruition, will be the thirteenth time the Registrar has undergone expansion since October 2019. An unforeseen demand to legally change names rose sharply three years ago and shows no signs of abating.
In the past 12 month period, no fewer than 12,860 people, most in their late teens, chose to abandon their birth-given name in favour of another. "I believe people of this generation are embarrassed by their names," said Tihrahliya, 19, who plans to change his name to Timothy. "In January my older brothers Jaycksohn and Kooyhperh had their names changed to Jeremy and Cameron, and they haven't been bashed at the levi-train station since."
Kylie (née Kayahliyah), 18, of Rowville, told us her new name has changed her life. "People can say my name now. Just this morning I signed up for a new astrophone, and the man wrote my name on the form without asking me how to spell it."
Warwick Simeon, director of the Registrar of Births Deaths & Marriages, believes the recent surge in demand is attributable to creative parents. "Occasionally we have mothers follow their children into the office, sobbing and dry retching. They can't handle the idea of their children giving away the name they put so much effort into creating."
"My mum had a spack-fit when I said I was popping out to have a name change," said Stephen, 17. "She followed me in and tried to drag me home. She said if I'm not prepared to be called Spehnssuyr (pronounced 'Spencer') then I'm no son of hers. Some people sedated her and she's in the back now. I'm waiting here for her to regain consciousness so I can take her home on my solar bike."
Cheryl Strang, president of the GNPA (Given Name Pride Association), is drafting a petition to have name changes made illegal. "It's disgraceful," she told The Australian from the GNPA's Melbourne headquarters in Patterson Lakes. "Parents take pride in the names they choose for their children. My daughter Shahniyah wanted to change her name to something silly like Susan but I wouldn't have it. I told her she won't be allowed to embarrass her new sister." Mrs Strang's third daughter is due in July. "We want to push the envelope. Our new daughter will be called Fzyhhyahl Cyiahhahaiiiiiiiyehe (pronounced 'Mary Jane')."
Mr Simeon is aware of Mrs Strang's case and believes she is wasting her time. "It's a basic right of every Australian, from the age of 16, to change his or her name to whatever he or she likes. This right cannot and will not be taken away." So how will the Registrar cope with future high demand? "Our funding is running thin, so name change fees are likely to double again before the end of the year."
But will this deter the public? "I'd pay any price to be called 'David'," says 15-year-old Daeyhvarrhah of Craigieburn, "I'm saving up for my 16th Birthday in February next year. Mum and dad won't let me have that much money so I'm hiding it behind my sister Truhliyahniya's book case." |
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Join our forums!
By Michael - 8:50 PM, Saturday, August 23, 2003 - 2 Comments
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Join our forums! Meet exciting, interesting people! People that will change your life! People that are capable of sending emails like this:
All the action is happening right here. |
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All is well with the world again.
By Miles - 8:46 PM, Friday, August 22, 2003 - 7 Comments
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 And to think I ever doubted you Teac. Not only did you repair my MP3 player which I broke with my own clumsiness, you charged me less than last time (and $15 under the "minimum charge"), and then you gave me a free pair of headphones and batteries. All is forgiven. |
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How to write an episode of Secret Life Of Us
By Adam - 12:37 PM, Friday, August 15, 2003 - 5 Comments
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- Start with a pseudophilosophical musing. Something like 'sometimes your best friends can be your best nightmares', or 'a night on the piss can piss away your life'. Don't worry if it doesn't mean anything.
- The first scene should depict a main character snogging an unknown player. Assume the audience knows how this new relationship formed, even though the new and as-yet-nameless character hasn't previously been in the show.
- Cut to a montage of shots containing palm trees, trams, pubs, etc. Less Australia, more St Kilda.
- Arbitrarily make one male character broody and sulky. Doesn't matter which character, but it should be different to the one who was broody and sulky last week.
- Take the on-and-off couple who can't seem to get it together, add a new person to inject a spark of jealousy [an one-scene extra will do, they don't need to speak], and have them sustain their presexual stand-off for another episode. An audience loves anticipation, particularly when it goes on for three months and shows no signs of consummating.
- Imply drug use. Write a joint into the living room scene.
- Mention a character who left the show months ago. Don't explain the character to new viewers, just leave them wondering what the hell's going on.
- Make the broody grumpy character see the error of his ways.
- End the show with more trash philosophy.
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Announcing the 4BG Community Club
By Adam - 10:49 AM, Wednesday, August 13, 2003 - 6 Comments
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Recognising itself as the centre of an active and vibrant community, 4BG makes official its brand new 4BG Community Club. The 4BG Community Club will allow its members to get in touch with each other in the real world and form long lasting interpersonal relationships, leading to a long and prosperous social existence. The computer screen is no longer a barrier to having fun!
To kick start the 4BG Community Club programme, events are being planned over the next few weeks:
16th August: Meet and Greet Day
Come along and meet your favourite forum poster in the flesh! Poke, prod, and scrape the crusty bits off at your leisure. Nose plugs will be available at the door to combat the inevitable fragrance of body odour and halitosis. Those of you who have never left your bedroom or your mum's garage are advised to wear sunglasses.
17th August: Curry Night
Don't miss this jampacked night of cheer and frivolity. Curry is the order of the evening, followed by Guess The Curry Stain, in which the audience has to guess what type of curry has spilt on which attendant's brown nylon anorak and tracksuit bottoms. Special prizes awarded to those who can guess the year of a stain.
23rd August: Anorak Beauty Pageant
Wear your best anorak and come along to our exciting beauty pageant! Places will be awarded according to colour, number of stains, fit (the smaller the better) and smell. First prize is a crate of Wella Balsam shampoo, complete with a half-day instruction course on how to use shampoo. Second prize is a night out with Miles. Third prize is two nights out with Miles.
24th August: Fun Kids Day and Sausage Sizzle
Join us for a fun day out with a complimentary sausage sizzle and entertainment for the kids. For the 98% of you without kids because you can't get a root, we'll conduct a special Anorak Beauty Pageant.
30th August: Swimming Outing
4BG will book an entire public swimming pool for a day of hijinx and frivolous antics! Come along and bring your togs and yellow floaties [or brown anorak] and dark glasses to deflect the glare of pasty white skin, and bring a second towel so nobody sees your rude bits in the showers. The pool will be specially triple-chlorinated to manage the expected high level of crusty sweat and grit.
6th September: Football in the Park
Bring your best sports jersey [or brown anorak] to this inaugural 4BG Football Match! Take your positions on the field, and when the starter's whistle blows, leave the field to avoid physical exercise and retreat inside to hide from the sun.
7th September: Health Food Day
4BG will prepare a special banquet of fruit and vegetables, introducing you to an all-natural food experience that's not fattening or devoid of essential vitamins, increasing your energy levels and making you feel younger and livelier. After three minutes a shuttle bus will take everyone to McDonald's, where we will spend the afternoon having loads of fun trying to make the pickles stick to the ceiling. After dinner at McDonald's we will conduct an alcohol tasting in the local youth hall when, if you have the courage, you will all be given the chance to taste some alcohol for the first time! NB: Must be 18 or over. Permission is required from a parent or guardian.
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The 4BG Hit Collector
By Adam - 1:39 PM, Thursday, August 7, 2003 - 15 Comments
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What better way to increase 4BG's hit count than listing phrases that don't exist in Google?
Let's say little Johnny's bored and does a search for "face clamp society". What comes up? Nothing. But now, with the new 4BG Hit Collector, Google will return a single result: 4BG. Little Johnny clicks and, wham, another customer.
Following is a list of common phrases that don't yet exist in Google:
waterproof weather goose
savoury arse biscuits
high quality teac product
week of sunshine in melbourne
worthwhile boxing match
mammary hunter
intelligent tasmanian
pikachu wall thermometer
cormorant nipples
ecclesiastic eleven-a-side
phallus measuring device
sophisticated homeboy
iggy pop is talented
exciting trouser action
plump vocoder
limp is more enjoyable
baby harp seal industry
bangladesh is good at cricket
sensible japanese person
urinal for birds
bald head varnish
interesting afl game
my boyfriend does the washing up
sober ches
ocelot frenzy
fairy crackmother
crumpet detector
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Why God doesn't want me to have a CD-MP3 Player.
By Miles - 7:49 AM, Tuesday, August 5, 2003 - 9 Comments
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Or rather now why, but how.
Back in December I decided to get a CD-MP3 player. Given most of my music collection was already converted to MP3, it seemed like a great idea - I could cram the 3000 odd songs I have onto about 20 CD-Rs, which would then fit in a CD wallet and I could take them everywhere with me. Teac made a player which was cheap, displayed the song name, had an equaliser, etc, so I grabbed that. Life was happy and shiny.
I took the player to the US with me at the start of the year, and apart from sucking batteries down faster than Ches can drink beer, it was awesome. Then on the last day, I dropped it on the floor trying to answer a mobile (it's a massive chunky thing, and you really need two hands to hold it sometimes). The lid goes flying off, and I spend about an hour trying to superglue it all back together. I manage to do it, and so thankfully I've got something to drown out the chick trying to convert me to Christianity next to me on the trip home.
Anyway, so a couple of days after I get back, I'm telling someone at Uni what happened to my player. Just as I finish telling them the story, I pull my bag around to take something out and the MP3 player just falls out. The zip WAS zipped up, but has magically come undone just in time for the player to fall out. Again. And again, the lid goes flying off, but this time because we're on the street I can't find all the little bits of plastic. Sigh.
So I take it in to Teac, who for only $35 put it all back together for me on the spot and even replace my scratched lid for me. Life is again shiny and happy.
A few weeks later, it just dies. No rhyme or reason, it just stops reading CDs. Back to Teac it goes. For weeks on end. Do you know how frustrating that is when you're used to being able to take your whole collection with you? It's fucked.
Anyway, so eventually they give me a brand new player. Yay! Two weeks later at uni, I'm sitting on a bench listening to the player, I stand up thinking it's in my pocket but it's magically migrated to my lap and slides off and eventually falls about 30cm (with me slowing its fall on the way). Again, the hinge breaks, but only one side. This fucking thing's trying to commit suicide. With some sticky tape, it still works though.
You'd think this saga would be winding up by now, but no, we've still got a ways to go.
So a few weeks later, I'm pissed, about to go to bed, listening to the player, and I'm brushing my teeth. My fucking sink has a really annoying habit of not draining properly, so of course it's completely full of water when I accidently drop my MP3 player into it. Fuck! It valiantly tries to play a few more seconds of song for me, and then the display goes dead. I take it apart, and let it dry out for a few days. When I try it out again, it works fine - this thing just can't finish the job. When I've put it together I notice the front latch isn't in properly, so I take it back apart - and a little piece of metal falls out of the hinge and into the unit. I try to shake it out, but it just rattles around. "No problem, I'll just get the screwdriver." Being an "electrical engineer", as I'm walking away I'm think "Shit, I hope the metal doesn't short out something, better take out the batteries." I come back to the machine and it's on fire - the batteries are red hot and there's smoking coming out of the unit. I lever the batteries out, open it up, take out the now green piece of metal, and wait for everything to cool. Put it back together (with the same batteries) and it still works. Fuck me this thing is hardy.
Life was then good for several weeks. Many intimate moments were shared with my CD-MP3 player, and I thought things had turned a corner. Things were different now. The problems we had were now a thing of the past. Until last night. I had the player balanced on the edge of a bench - and so of course that's where my cat aims for when he tries to jump up. Again, a 30cm fall means the top flies off. Completely fucked.
So I took it back to Teac again, but this time they can't fix it. I think they know what shenanigans are going on. They say it'll be a "week" (even though it took 10 minutes last time), and may cost up to the price up a brand new player to fix it. I think they're in on it too now. Fuckers.
Maybe it's time to buy an Ipod. Sigh. |
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