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August 2002
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Maths, bleach and Glasgow.
By Tim - 7:43 PM, Friday, August 30, 2002 - 8 Comments |
Ah yes. Life doesn't get much better.
First of all I get notice that my apartment is about to be inspected as part of my rental agreement. Part of the requirements is that all tiled floors and showers/baths be free from "soap residue, mould, etc". Fine I think.
So I pull out the good ol' White King bleach. Scrub away. Sort of clears away a bit of gunk, but nothing doing with the really caked on shit. That's okay, I had diluted the bleach a bit, let me use the raw stuff and see what that does.
Nothing.
To make matters worse, as I'm scrubbing away, bits of it flick onto my face. I shit myself and start washing it off. Then I look in the mirror and notice it's gone all over my good shirt. My blue good shirt. My blue good shirt with pink spots.
Fine, it's getting a bit old, that's okay. Keep scrubbing. Nothing.
Are rent inspections just a landlord's way of getting back at you for abusing their place even when you don't abuse it? I mean, what the FUCK can withstand bleach? I tried shower spray, bleach, CLR, even fucking VINEGAR. Nothing.
Okay, so I give up on that. It's 9pm. Screw making dinner, so I duck up the road to Subway.
That's $7.10 thanks. Get a $20 note out, realise I have change, dig around, and find $2.20 in my pocket. Hand both to the guy. He gives me 10c back and then goes to the till. Starts digging around. Grabs coin after coin. "Uhh, shouldn't you just give me a $5 and a $10 note?".
"No, it's $14.90 change". "No, I gave you $22.20, take $7.10, that's $15.10".
"Ok, just give me back the 10c, and I'll give you the notes."
"Um, no, how does that work? I gave you 20c, you give me 10c and the notes"
"Look, I'm not going to rip you off 10c, just give it to me and that's right."
"Can you do maths? $22.20 - $7.10 = $15.10. I keep the 10c and you give me $15"
"Give me the 10c back or you don't get your money"
Fucking fine. Whatever. Do people still get taught maths in school? I was still high on bleach fumes and couldn't be fucked arguing further. Guy walks away. "*ahem* My drink?" *slams cup on counter*. Yeah fuck you too buddy. Just because I can add and you can't.
Finally, to round up the subject, is Glasgow. Glasgow you say, but Tim, don't you live in Queensland, Australia? Yes indeedy I do. But my girlfriend is in Glasgow, and damn I wish she'd just realise that UK = arse, and Australia = great and come home. I got an SMS from her earlier, and rang her back within a minute.
*rings out*
Even my girlfriend is ignoring me. Great. So in summary, it's Friday night, I'm cleaning my bathroom, getting ripped off at Subway, and being ignored by my girlfriend. Did I mention I also went shopping tonight because I had nothing better to do?
Life is grand. |
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No, I'm not doing a line.
By Adam - 4:19 PM, Thursday, August 29, 2002 - 5 Comments
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I'm drinking a cocktail. Through a straw. And yes, I am that pale and unattractive. Oh just bugger off.
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1 really bitter ex-4BitterGuys guy
By Ches - 12:22 PM, Thursday, August 29, 2002 - 2 Comments
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Yes, that's right, i'm no longer one of the 4 Bitter Guys.
Those heartless bastards kicked me out. Evicted me. Ejected me. Dropped me from the team.
Why?
For nothing. Nothing at all. For the past 6 months i sat here, quietly brooding, slowly developing my bitterness, and what do i get for my long, diligent servitude? The boot. The arse. The sack. Fired.
Just because i could never be arsed posting anything. Bastards.
Anyhoo, now that that's out of the way i can tell you about my fan-fucking-tastic weekend. 2 bitter guys, 1 ex-bitter guy and Damo had organised a snowboarding weekend at Mt. Hotham. Take a day off work and spend Friday, Saturday and Sunday boarding. Sounds wicked, yeah? Friday started off great, i drove us there in the Landcruiser, we got our tickets and boards and all that shit, and off we go. Everything's going good, the first run sucks, fair enough, it's been more than a year since i last boarded. Second run's not bad. Third one's damn good, and it just keeps getting better, i'm having a fucking great time, boarding the best i ever have.
Then i get a phone call, my sted-dad's borrowed my car, and crashed it. Fuck. Ah, well, who cares, it's a piece of shit anyway, and i'm having a good time. Forget about it. Keep boarding.
So anyway, we're heading down this black diamond run. It starts off very nicely, a good broad run, not many people around, decent snow, great! And then it all goes to shit. Suddenly there's tons of people jammed into this narrow valley and the snow's been replaced by rock-hard, slipery-arse ice. But i survive. As i get to the end of the valley the run broadens, the people dissipate and the snow starts looking good again, so i let loose, carving across the run, picking up speed. I lean down the hill, turning back to head the other way across the run, except...oh, shit...i'm on ice...no wait, now i'm flying backwards, head first down the hill...SMACK!...okay, that's alright, i've landed on my back...CRACK!...oh, fuck, that hurt, i crack my right wrist down on the ice next to me...
And that's the end of my weekend.
Impacted, fractured right wrist and a $300 medical bill. Sigh. Ah, well, at least i can still drink, right? Wrong! Three beers later and i can barely stand, my stomach's killing me and i want to throw up. Heineken and Panadeine Forte don't mix.
So, in summary:
1. My car's fucked.
2. My wrist's fucked.
3. I CAN'T EVEN GET FUCKING DRUNK.
I hate my life. |
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I can... see... through... time...
By Michael - 7:08 AM, Thursday, August 29, 2002 - 10 Comments
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Or at least, it feels that way. I'm not feeling well. In fact, you might go so far as to say I'm feeling like a severely lacerated turtle, smeared in hot chilli sauce and left for dead in the middle of a salt lake in the Simpson desert.
"What the hell does that mean?" I hear you ask. No, it doesn't mean I had Mexican last night. It means that due to my condition, I was simply prone to waking up every hour, my bed sheets sopping wet with my own sweat. Now I'm parched, and my bed sheets have stolen all my nutrients. I need tungsten. Tungsten!
This is the part where you come in. Leave a little "get well" comment for me, huh? Just a little one, hey? That would be lovely. :)
PS. I apologise in advance for the current ugliness of the comments system. It works, but I haven't finished configuring the script properly. :) |
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Granny Ambush
By Adam - 4:30 PM, Wednesday, August 28, 2002 - 2 Comments
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So anyway, there I am, minding my own business, when this haggardy old woman starts poking me. I ask her to stop it and she says no, all we young people deserve a good poking for our loud music and lubricious bedtime shenanigans. Then some bloke joins her and stabs me with a rusty zimmer frame. As if that's not already bad enough, four or five more of the old women take off their beige cardigans and tie them round my head, suffocating me with musty old person smell. So there I am, quickly losing consciousness, when another old bloke takes off his Hush Puppies and repeatedly smacks me on the head, ostensibly enjoying the fact that I've been totally unable to breathe for a good 40 seconds. With my final dwindling flash of consciousness I yell at them to bugger off. Well, if that didn't scare the pants off them. As a group they recoil, looks of anguish on their faces, and then they all hobble off complaining about the youth of today and their bad language. That's the last time I go to Harris Scarfe. |
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The 4BG Guide to Fine Cuisine and Accompanying Beverages
By Adam - 3:11 PM, Wednesday, August 28, 2002 - 0 Comments
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 As it's rapidly becoming important to be fully cognizant of world cuisine in our progressively diverse society, it's now vital to understand which drink will best suit an extensive choice of international culinary delights. You could do better than to face derision at the hands of your peer group having downed a '99 shiraz cabernet with rogan josh; and imagine the embarrassment to be had by washing down your fettuccine rigatoni with a fruity unwooded chardonnay!
As such, I feel it necessary to highlight all major forms of world eating, together with what is universally considered to be the ideal beverage for each category.
Italian: Beer
Mexican: Beer
Chinese: Beer
Malaysian: Beer
Singaporean: Beer
Indian: Beer *
Burmese: Beer
Lebanese: Beer
West African: Beer
Egyptian: Beer
Mongolian: Beer
Japanese: Beer
* By implication, this pertains specifically to North Indian cuisine. South Indian cuisine is best consumed with beer. |
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Pissing in the Gene Pool #78234
By Adam - 8:21 AM, Saturday, August 24, 2002 - 5 Comments
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 'Hello?'
'Uh... is that Mr Smith?'
'You have the wrong number.'
'Can I speak to Mr Smith please?'
'You have the wrong number.'
'Oh, do I have the wrong number?'
'Yes. You have the wrong number.'
'What number did I call?'
'The wrong one.'
'What number is this?'
'The. Wrong. Number.'
'I called... nine-eight-five-three...'
'Yes, yes, yes. I don't care. You called the wrong number.'
'Oh. So... what's the right number? Do you have the right number?'
<click> |
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St Kilda Drinking Game
By Miles - 12:45 PM, Thursday, August 22, 2002 - 0 Comments
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 Well, with this flurry of activity from Michael and Adam, I figured I should add something to the site. Rather than a funny news post however (you'll find this is 100% devoid of humour), I thought I'd add my second evar 4 Bitter Guys article, titled The 4 Bitter Guys' St Kilda Drinking Game. Be sure to give it a try next time you're in the neighbourhood.
Meanwhile, we're off to the snow this weekend! Here's an artist's rendition of what Michael might look like. |
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WoMAN
By Michael - 3:43 PM, Wednesday, August 21, 2002 - 0 Comments
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 Did I ever tell you all about the time I spotted a really cute chick crossing a bridge? I'm driving along, and in the distance, I spot a really cute girl, I guessed about 23, walking across the bridge (away from me). She's got a cute leather jacket, pants that really showed off her legs and butt, and smooth shiny sandy-coloured hair tucked underneath her leather jacket.
"Phwoar," I thought to myself as I drove closer. I'm coming across the bridge now, winding down the window to yell "Show us your tits" as all gentlemen should do when complementing a lady of the street when one of those hideous your-girlfriend's-face-morphing-into-your-mother's-face-while-you're-having-sex moments happened. The cute 23-year old blonde turned out to be a BALD GAY MAN IN HIS 40S WEARING A TIGHT LEATHER JACKET AND TIGHT PANTS.
No shower could ever rid me of the dirt that was my man-love. |
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Ignorance is Bliss. Think Different.
By Adam - 10:29 AM, Wednesday, August 21, 2002 - 2 Comments
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If you want to do something complicated in UNIX, a UNIX head will always take great delight in showing you how to do it in almost unnecessary detail. 'Yeah, you just go into /etc/inittab and hash out the line that starts up the process, then you increase the SHMMAX parameter and recompile the kernel.' That kind of thing. Windows people operate on the same level: 'Yeah, just stop the service manually, edit the registry key, increase your virtual memory by 20% and reboot.'
Macheads must exist in a different universe, because if you ask one for help the response is always one of cheerful nonchalance. I wanted to turn the sound down on my iMac so it was somewhere between silent and deafening. The response? 'Why would you want to do that?' I wanted to turn a JPG into desktop wallpaper: 'Why would you want to put a picture there?' I wanted to enable emacs shell editing in the FreeBSD terminal: 'Why would you want to use the terminal?'
Once I grabbed a Machead and rolled up his sleeve. 'WE ARE HAPPY' was branded on his forearm. |
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Nice girl-hips, Raiden
By Michael - 9:57 AM, Tuesday, August 20, 2002 - 0 Comments
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 What the hell is wrong with me? I bought the entire set of figurines from Metal Gear Solid 2 from Electronics Boutique in Chadstone over the weekend. They cost over $150, and there's 7 of them. Sure, they're cool and all, and yeah, I can even take the laser scope off Olga's pistol, and hey, I can make Snake and Raiden do really funny sex things to each other, but *come on*, what was I thinking?
I've decided I'm not going to waste my money any more on things I won't appreciate. From now on, it's straight alcohol and prostitutes. It's time for Michael to move up in the world.
...whoa, is that semen on my t-shirt? |
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Damn Stinkin' Judgemental Jars
By Adam - 7:55 AM, Tuesday, August 20, 2002 - 0 Comments
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The aging spiv gave me back my brain today. Said the jar rejected it. Shame too, I was really enjoying the comedy of Wil Anderson.
Speaking of brains, here's the full text of an email I just received from a guy in India:
Because I am having one problem. Actually please do the needful and revert back ASAP.
Riiiiiiight. |
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Life would be a dinglederry...
By Adam - 3:47 PM, Monday, August 19, 2002 - 0 Comments
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Today while I was saving the world with a rubber band and a piece of string, an aging spiv in a charcoal suit held a knife to my back and led me through a concealed door into a dank underground cavern, filled with rows and rows of human brains in jars. Before I had time to say, 'I'm not sure that I feel at all comfortable with whatever it is that you're conducting in here, and if you don't stop it immediately I shall notify the relevant authorities with all speed,' he removed my brain and threw me out on the street.
As I no longer had a brain, I immediately raced to the shops and bought a 'Baby On Board' sign for my car. Then I joined the Nikki Webster fanclub, called the Omo Careline, wrote a letter to TV Week, asked Adriana Xenides for her autograph, and ordered food from the McDonald's New Tastes menu before racing home to read my junk mail and watch Mike Munro on the telly.
Can't talk now, I'm late for my bootscootin' class. |
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His Spirit Will Live On
By Michael - 5:23 PM, Friday, August 16, 2002 - 0 Comments
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 Good news boys and girls! Ches is dead! Well, in spirit anyway. We've cut away the fat, and present for your reading pleasure, the new improved Ches: Adam! Adam is funnier and can chop carrots three times as fast as Ches, and will also fold laundry!
Some random links for you: Here are the rules you must live by as a guy. And if you are *really* a guy, you need to memorize all of these positions, but fall asleep as soon as you orgasm.
Remember, fellow programmers of the world: Life is like an uninitialised pointer; you never know what you're going to get.
I felt inspired to post something for us to remember Ches by, and I decided these beautiful (recycled) moments of his life would be the best way to celebrate. Who could forget his wonderful kite-flying days with his little sister? Or that hillarious mud-wrestling competition! And jacking-off onto another guy's face -- oh my, time is almost as precious as he is. God bless you Ches, wherever you may be.
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Would you like a baby harp seal with your sandwich, sir?
By Adam - 4:37 PM, Friday, August 16, 2002 - 0 Comments
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This week at the local supermarket I spotted a new bread called Tip Top UP. 'And?', you may well ask. 'Well,' I may well respond, you must be made aware that this is no ordinary loaf of bread. Oh-h-h, no. This bread intends to provide me with my daily source of Omega 3 DHA.
Naturally I was concerned at the severe lack of Omega 3 DHA in my diet, so I rushed home and cranked up the internet (yes, the entire internet) to discover that Omega 3 DHA is in fact a seafood extract that thins the blood and reduces the risk of heart disease. So, if your blood's too thick, or yesterday's heart attack is getting you down, you can now get your minimum requirement of fish oil from bread.
On that basis, I plan to buy jelly beans in bulk, inject them with cow snot, and market them as 'your daily source of Hectobismalate QTG-7'. When I float the company you'll be the first to know. |
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Testing... Testing...
By Adam - 3:54 PM, Friday, August 16, 2002 - 0 Comments
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So there I am, right, and I'm all like, just sitting there, right, and this guy comes up to me and he's all like, 'do you want to be a bitter guy?', and I'm all like, 'yeah okay', and so he's all like, '*POOF*, you're a bitter guy now', and I'm all like, 'okay'.
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Why is it we are such an attraction for the perverts?
By Tim - 12:43 PM, Friday, August 16, 2002 - 0 Comments
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We don't even come close to Stile... so why do we end up being ranked number one or two for so many porno searches?
Two new ones:
guys fucking guys ass, which only comes up as "... you get is goddamn Dragon Pokemon-Z 64 and some fucking ... called Didge who looks like a pox Gumby with no ass. ... where she can be cracked onto the same drunk guys ..." as the preview.
guys piss gallery which has the preview "... [ View Gallery ]. Has pornography made an impact on your sex ... where she can be cracked onto the same drunk guys ... my mother was rambling about is a piece of piss. ..."
And we're pretty low on the list, but we're there, for picture of my wife fucking a dog. |
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Bored + Photoshop = News Post
By Michael - 3:54 PM, Thursday, August 15, 2002 - 0 Comments
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  Mmmm. The book on our left actually exists. I believe they're releasing a sequel since it was such a success (pictured right). |
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And my woman wonders why I didn't want her going on a Contiki tour?
By Tim - 9:08 PM, Wednesday, August 14, 2002 - 0 Comments
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At least once a day, we get a sicko making the following search: sex on contiki tours
GEEZE I would NEVER expect guys going on a Contiki tour expecting SEX!!! :D Mind you, they're less perverted than the people who enter in guys fucking animals. Look who's number 1. Yeah baby. Another frequently entered term is guys fucking guys. Again, look who's number 1. Wow.
I'll pretend that last set of search terms is of the bitterly said "Guys... fucking guys *head shake*" |
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Monash Freeway Is The Antichrist
By Michael - 4:17 PM, Wednesday, August 14, 2002 - 0 Comments
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I am growing a severe distaste for the Monash Freeway, and am beginning to suspect it is posessed by an etheral body whom is dedicated to eradicating me from the face of the planet. After yesterday's tragic loss of Wipey, today seemed to yield a better day. Wipey II was born earlier today, and gave his first wipe of the passenger-side window this afternoon. (Disturbingly, his first wipe mopped up the remaining guts of Wipey I.)
 But clouds were gathering on the horizon. I found myself once more on the Monash Freeway, secretly keeping an eye out for Wipey, in hopes he made it to the side of the freeway without a truck ravashing his poor body to smithereens. As I took my exit, a large electronic sign above me started writing something. Intrigued, I looked up, patiently waiting for the sentence to spell itself out. The old boring words "DRIVE SAFELY" excreted onto the screen, so I gave up and looked back down, to find -- !H11OLY SH!!IT!!FU^^^**CUCK JESUS -- I narrowly avoid a collision with the car in front of me, which has decided to brake violently. (Perhaps the driver was slowing to read the sign. Fuckwit. I should have broken him violently.) Needless to say, it didn't take a retarded monkey to figure out the contradictory nature of this sign.
Oh, and then some other stuff happened, the asphalt turned to lava and the overhead bridge morphed into Cthulu and started throwing bolts of death at me, but the most interesting thing was the sign.
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Wipey - 1978-2002
By Michael - 9:38 AM, Wednesday, August 14, 2002 - 0 Comments
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 A funny thing happened last night. I'm driving home from work in the pouring rain, deep in the middle lane of a freeway. The rain is so heavy that I'm having to squint at the vague outlines of the road ahead trying to spot either side of my lane. Then suddenly, out of nowhere -- *SNAP* -- my passenger-side windscreen wiper decided it was time to escape. Spinning off above windshield, it generously gave one last graceful wipe, paused, momentarily caught on the other wiper, gave me a look which seemed to say "If only windscreen wipers could scream...", then vanished into the abyss that is the M1 freeway at night.
I laughed. I cried. I called the mechanic.
Good luck Wipey, wherever you are. God bless. |
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Codicil
By Tim - 9:47 PM, Thursday, August 8, 2002 - 0 Comments
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cod·i·cil Pronunciation Key (kd-sl)
n.
Law. A supplement or appendix to a will.
A supplement or appendix. |
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Godwin's Law
By Miles - 5:05 PM, Tuesday, August 6, 2002 - 0 Comments
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Best. Law. Ever.
[Usenet] "As a Usenet discussion grows longer, the probability of a comparison involving Nazis or Hitler approaches one." There is a tradition in many groups that, once this occurs, that thread is over, and whoever mentioned the Nazis has automatically lost whatever argument was in progress. Godwin's Law thus practically guarantees the existence of an upper bound on thread length in those groups. However there is also a widely- recognized codicil that any intentional triggering of Godwin's Law in order to invoke its thread-ending effects will be unsuccessful. PS: Christ I'm a handsome man.  |
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I'm glad I don't share a bathroom with this guy
By Michael - 6:47 PM, Sunday, August 4, 2002 - 0 Comments
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 There comes a time when the mail we receive at 4BG goes beyond "great" and "positive" and truly becomes champagne fanmail. The jury is referred to Exhibit A, sent to us by our good (but hairy) friend Gary:well hey, you four bitter guys you,
just thought i'd do the insomnia induced e-mail writing thing and drop you all a line, seeing as its been a while since i've visited an interesting site run by a melbourne crew. i have a few ideas the could possibly add to the all-round goodness of your site, and being the good samaritan that i am, i thought 'why not?' to sharing them with you.
first of all, there is definately not enough hair between you four bitter guys. michael is probobly the cheif culprit here - generally his well-considered and thoughtfull postings are discredited, in my eyes, by his obvious lack of hair. sure, he could have a back-rug happening, but until that is confimred with photographs i stand strong on this issue - you need more hair.
my solution? i propose i join four bitter guys in the role of representing those with much hair, whose unique hair-based issues need proper guideance. it wouldn't require a name change on the site, simply a sub-title along the lines of "and another guy, hairier than the aforementioned four'.
thanks again,
yeah
There is no exhibit B. |
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...and now for something different.
By Tim - 7:02 AM, Thursday, August 1, 2002 - 2 Comments
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More News...
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