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July 2002
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Ugly men and M&Ms
By Michael - 6:21 PM, Wednesday, July 31, 2002 - 0 Comments |
 Well, since Miles is insisting on playing my guitar with distortion turned on in my bedroom, and since I can't be bothered leaving, I'm forced to sit here surrounded by a wall of noise and make a 4BG news post. I can't hear myself think, so excuse me if I write any incomplete.
Can you tell the difference between a legal girl and jailbait? Would you go to jail because a girl lied about her age and accused you of rape after you slept with her? Would you care? Will I burn in hell for that last sentence? Find out here.
4R3 YuO T3H hAXx0r? U w1LL LU\/ 7H1S L1NKZ0r!
I won't act like the rest of this news post is mine, but at the same time, I will give no indication that it isn't mine. :)
Whenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue the strength and robustness of the candy as a species. To this end, I hold M&M duels. Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure, squeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters. That is the "loser," and I eat the inferior one immediately.
The winner gets to go another round. I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are tougher, and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior. I have hypothesised that the blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive long in the intense theatre of competition that is the modern candy and snack-food world. Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen, or pointier, or flatter than the rest. Almost invariably this proves to be a weakness, but on very rare occasions it gives the candy extra strength. In this way, the species continues to adapt to its environment.
When I reach the end of the pack, Iam left with one M&M, the strongest of the herd. Since it would make no sense to eat this one as well, I pack it neatly in an envelope and send it
to: M&M Mars, A Division of Mars Inc. Mackettstown, NJ 17840-1503 U.S.A. along with a 3x5 card reading,
"Please use this M&M for breeding purposes."
This week they wrote back to thank me, and sent me a coupon for a free 1/2 pound bag of plain M&Ms. I consider this "grant money." I have set aside the weekend for a grand tournament. From a field of hundreds, we will discover the True Champion.
"There can be only one".
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Friday night, girlfriend in Amsterdam at the Heineken exhibit, so what do I do?
By Tim - 10:59 PM, Friday, July 26, 2002 - 0 Comments
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Yep, that's right, I write an article for 4BG. Admittedly it's been in the works for a couple of days, but nothing like picking Friday night to actually work on it.
So without further ado, I give you are the 4 Bitter Guys really 4 Hot Guys?. I'm sure you can guess the answer. |
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What's wrong with names?
By Tim - 10:47 PM, Friday, July 26, 2002 - 0 Comments
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Geeze it's suck to have a name like Michael or Miles.
Tim is so much better. Just go to http://www.tim.com.au/. Hot chicks!! Or how about these fellows? They ain't so bad.
Shit, I've even had three movies named after me!
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A day to remember... or forget
By Michael - 5:17 PM, Wednesday, July 24, 2002 - 0 Comments
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Why must every day of my life be a random point of existence plotted on the 4-dimensonal axes of shitiness, crapiness, fuckedness and laziness?
I knew it was going to be one of those days I should have stayed in bed as soon as I left for work.
In front of me for half the drive to work on a single-lane road was a shitty old vintage car (which was probably done up, but I could only see daggers and thus did not take in the year and model) which struggled to keep a steady speed above 40km/hr.
 What is it about old guys with monobrows feeling the need to drive their fossil-of-yesteryear cars around on a Wednesday morning during peak hour? Surely they can't miss the 56 cars queued up behind them? I can't stand how some people are just so unaware of the world around them. (Oh, and I'm young and full of piss and vinegar and never stay below 70 in a 60 zone, that may have something to do with it also. But mostly old people being useless.)
So I finally get to work (late - thanks a lot Sleepo McSlowerson) and then have an absolute shit of a day. Nothing goes my way. I modify some source code then go to check it in, and OHHHH look! A merge problem! So I merge the code together, and by the time I've finished that and go to check the new version in, OH LOOK!! ANOTHER MERGE PROBLEM! I grew a sudden but long-lasting infliction of Tourette's syndrome, I kid you not.
Oh for fuck's sake, jesus fuck-my-eye christ, I just spilt red wine on my keyboard.
So in conclusion, *fuck you*. :D Why do you hate me God? Oh, and something about pathetic middle-class white males whinging about having chapped lips when children in 3rd world countries are dying from malnutrition. I forget the details.
On a lighter note, check out Super Greg. Dig this and this to see his w1ck3d stYL3 in action. |
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Two can play at that game Michael...
By Miles - 7:44 PM, Friday, July 19, 2002 - 0 Comments
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And now for some people called Michael :)
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What's in a name?
By Michael - 7:38 PM, Friday, July 19, 2002 - 0 Comments
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Ugliness. That's what. :) |
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Jack of all trades, master of none*
By Ches - 10:28 AM, Friday, July 19, 2002 - 0 Comments
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Honestly, is there anything i can't do?
BTW, there's a shiny nickel for anyone who can tell me which two of those pics are real.
*Except possibly masturbation and procrastination
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Who Is Chesler Durden?
By Michael - 6:44 PM, Thursday, July 18, 2002 - 0 Comments
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I saved the best till last. :D |
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Ask 4 Bitter Guys updated!
By Miles - 3:54 PM, Thursday, July 18, 2002 - 0 Comments
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Ask 4 Bitter Guys has been updated! Just don't expect anything too funny, even if I do fancy myself a bit of a comedian.
Should we rename this site?? Or get a new 4th Bitter Guy? There's a long waiting list of people who would love to join our exclusive club (okay, one person)... and I just don't think Ches is contributing to the bitter atmosphere here.
Maybe if we goad him enough, he'll actually post. :) I think Michael needs to make more pictures. |
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That's sick.
By Miles - 9:04 AM, Thursday, July 18, 2002 - 0 Comments
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Some of us are trying to eat breakfast here Michael. Ugh.
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Chunky McBlow at your service!
By Michael - 7:59 PM, Wednesday, July 17, 2002 - 0 Comments
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 I spent the latter part of today at work feeling ill. I was sitting at my PC trying to concentrate on what I was doing, but with reliability you could set your watch to, my gorge knocked politely at the base of my neck:
Gorge: Say, any chance I could see what's going on outside?
Throat: Hmm, no, no, you might gum up the keyboard.
Gorge: Righteo then, I'll try again in 5 minutes shall I? Now I'm sitting at home watching old Simpsons episodes. Nausealicious. If only there were some way I could go back in time and stop myself from getting ill...
I'll leave you now with a guestbook entry from Perfekt's website:
From James:
i will buy you roses everyday and whisper i love you when you fall asleep if you promise to be mine forever and never look at anyone else or leave the apartment with weird exscuses and come back later with soiled panties. i love you now!!!! Ahhhhh the internet. My only friend. |
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The sound of leather Winkling
By Michael - 5:29 PM, Saturday, July 13, 2002 - 0 Comments
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 It's official: I'm the coolest guy in the world. Today I bought me a real genuine Italian leather jacket worth a pretty penny. Everyone keeps saying how I look like the Fonz, except not 40 years old. And much funnier.
Fonz: Since it is the Fonz's task to bring joy and laughter into everybodies hearts, esp the female gender, I am going to make leather and the sueded very, very happy.
Richie: Fonz, your talking about my sister.
Fonz: Eyyyyyyyy, not in that way Rich. Bam.
In other slightly related news, Daimaru is closing down. (long pause) Ahahahahahahah!!! Stupid foreign company. That's what they get for being a bunch of god damn arrogant snobs that cater to 2% of the population of Melbourne. At least I scammed a leather jacket out of them before they went. Oh wait, that's right - I had to pay for it. Shit.
What the hell is going on right now? As I'm writing this at a friend's house, 2 semi-drunk girls are sitting here giggling to each other while styling my hair into god-knows-what-kind-of-crazy hairstyle. I guess I should be flattered. But I love my hair. I hate people messing up my hair. It's my one big irk as a human being with dignity. If ever you become my enemy and really want to get back at me, just sit there and fuck up my hair while I'm helpless (or busy typing a news post at a computer). That will get Michael stressed and annoyed. I suppose I should put a picture up since I'm only here for everyone else's fucking amusement, but that would be a disgrace to myself wouldn't it? :)
I must go now before they tear all my hair from my head and I'm bald forever. Hmm. 4baldguys. I can see that. |
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The Best Internet Forum Post Ever
By Miles - 4:46 PM, Friday, July 12, 2002 - 0 Comments
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From here:
toodaey i wsa watcheng teh TV ( telavishun )adn i saw a commaerical for HOT POCKETS adn it meade me tihnk abuot wehn i tried HOT POCKETS adn BURNED MY MOUTH OFF!!11 i cuoldent eat for days.
SO IM STARTENG AN ANTI-HOT POCKET CAMPAEIGN!!11 instead of "waht are yuo goineng to pick, HOT POCKETS" like the corporate HOT POCKET goons wnat yuo too believe, my slogan si goineng too be "waht are yuo going to pick, NOT HOT POCKETS STUPAD!!11" ( tahkns for teh spellung correctshun jinxy. )_)
im goinegn too makes teh tee-shirts tommarow four tihs woarthy cause. |
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NOT. HAPPY. JAN!!!
By Tim - 4:05 PM, Saturday, July 6, 2002 - 0 Comments
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Bloody hell.
Here is a quote from Stacy from iamafish.org:
"Michael of 4bitterguys gives advice to poor, lost souls with no one else to turn to. Okay, maybe the other guys work on the site too, but I don't really pay attention to them. Michael is the meat of the site. He is a unique and beautiful snowflake."
Schlampe!!!
*sniff*, after all that effort of supporting the site while Michael had a girlfriend. AND THIS IS WHAT I GET!!! MICHAEL STEALING MY GLORY!
Just because I have nothing decent to vent about!! :(
PS Yes this is a way of releasing my ball of pain. |
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Sweet 80s, where have you gone?
By Michael - 4:36 PM, Thursday, July 4, 2002 - 1 Comment
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 Why the hell are things so expensive these days? You know, when I was a boy, everything was cheaper. I guess everything was cheaper because it was shittier. Like old 80s toys. How shit were they? $20 for a plastic action figure that can't do anything and whose battle axe you lose in your backyard on the first day of playing with him? I think not, Mattel. Now you pay $50, but you get a real laser gun that actually cuts through 1 cm of human flesh. And what about clothes? I guess they must have been *really* cheap in the 70s and 80s. Go to Blockbuster this millenium and they're asking $7.50 for a rental of a DVD! I used to be able to see a goddamn movie for $7.50 on a big screen! With digital sound! Earth blows, I'm going to the moon.
 One thing the 80s did good? Cartoons. Where the fuck have all those awesome cartoons gone these days? What ever happened to plain old vanilla Astro Boy? Or Transformers? How about some Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? Christ, I'll even settle for Samurai Pizza Cats on a decent time slot. I know we can't get Agro's Cartoon Connection back, but surely they can squeeze it in on the fucking Big Arvo shit they have these days. But no. All you get is goddamn Dragon Pokemon-Z 64 and some fucking 3D character called Didge who looks like a pox Gumby with no ass. I pity the children of today who grow up watching shit like that. How can one expect to get an education from cartoons that lead you to believe small furry animals come out of little balls and fight each other? Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go into the sewer to hunt for the Technodrome from Dimension X. |
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7 months of getting to know my hand better
By Tim - 10:32 AM, Thursday, July 4, 2002 - 0 Comments
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 Well my sheila leaves on Saturday for a seven month journey into the unknown wilderness that is Manchester, England. First she is going on one of those god awful Contiki tours where she can be cracked onto the same drunk guys night after night. Huzzah!
If you're reading this woman, you'd better be good, or else... I'll.. uh.. write about it here!
Actually, I'm more likely to do this.
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Well wash my dog and call me sandblaster!
By Michael - 8:52 PM, Monday, July 1, 2002 - 0 Comments
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 Isn't it frustrating when you try to direct your pet's attention to something by pointing, and they just stare vacantly at the finger you're pointing with? It's like "HEY! Dog! Look at that ball I just threw!" (blank stare) "Over there!" (blank stare) "No! Not my finger! THERE! THEEEEREE!!!!" (blank stare) "LOOK!!! THERE!!! DAMMIT YOU STUPID MUTT! LOOK!! LOOK WHERE I'M POINTING!!!" (blank stare) "*JESUS* *SUFFERING* *FUCK*! *THERE*!!!" (I walk over and get the ball myself)
 So my parents have decided to start charging me board for "living" in their "house" and "eating" their food. Ksch. What a joke. Time to move out. I'm sure all that "washing" and "cooking" stuff my mother was rambling about is a piece of piss. I've made toasted sandwiches before, and as for washing, how hard can it be? What more is there to it than filling the washing basket with soapy water and leaving it in the sun?
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