Dear 4 Bitter Guys,

I have this issue with an ex-bitter guy and i was wondering whether one of you could shed some light on the matter. Why is Ches gay?

And why is Wizz Fizz so good?

Sincerely,

Busty Bonnie

Tim says:

Perhaps it was the self-projection onto Michael's (alleged) photoshops, or maybe it was just one too many drunk at 2am wrestles. Who can say for sure? Myself, I like to believe it was all the drunken innuendo we shared... oh, just about every time we got drunk.

Regarding the Wizz Fizz, I think it can be summed up in the famous German movie whose name I can't remember which had the girl licking up the wizz fizz some little boy had spat into. Then the little boy didn't grow old but died in a war after meeting a little girl who didn't grow old. I think there were some people getting shot in a basement at some point. The end.

Michael says:

You've got it all wrong. The gay fizz tastes good because it's wizz, and Ches tastes bitter because his flavour has issues with light and matter.

Sincerely,
4 Bitter Guys

Dear 4 Bitter Guys,

I have a dilemma that I hope you can help me to resolve. My housemate's girlfriend stays over in his room a few times a week, which is fine because we all get on well. The problem is that I often find myself stirred from restful slumber between 2 and 4AM to the sounds of two people going at it like rutting Alpacas in the adjacent bedroom. Can you imagine the trauma that occurs when I groggily try and decipher the curious sounds I'm hearing, only to realise ~again~ that yes, the two people I shared a chatty meal with just hours ago are indulging in their regular and very vocal shagging frenzy just centimetres from where I'm lying. And before you interrupt, no, this is not a turn on.

Our house is a Queenslander with high ceilings, sonically transparent walls and a tendency to accentuate the particular high-treble frequency band corresponding to two steaks being repeatedly slapped together. This may explain why my dreams consistently involve the themes of 'The Butcher Shop', 'The Boxing Ring', and 'Alpaca Love in the High Andes'. Then again, maybe I should consider other explanations...

I can sometimes get back to sleep, but it's the kind of restless, muttering, cold-sweat sleep that only Vietnam Veterans and products of the catholic education system can claim to know.

I'm on friendly terms with both my housemates (we're all guys), but I'm uncomfortable broaching the subject of 'your early morning primal grunting' with the housemate in question. What can I do?

Sleepless in BrisVegas,

Sincerely,
Ben McG

Tim says:

Ben, do you have any proof that it is these two? Are you sure you just didn't forget to turn your computer off before going to bed? If you can't stand confrontation, do what any good capitalist would do. Market them to the Internet. It's a win-win-win situation! You make the Internet population happier by adding extra pornography, you earn a tidy profit for your late nights, and they make each other happy in the only way they know how. Mmmm, steak.

Michael says:

My motto has always been "When you can't beat them, join them!" You should start by sneaking outside their room at 2am when the BonkFest 2AM begins with a torch (but don't turn it on), and just masturbate lightly. As they start to get more heavily into things, slip into their room unnoticed. You may do this by entering via a window, or climbing down a chimney if one is available.

Next, crawl over to the bed where the two are going for it like rabbits. What's an extra hand between friends? Slip one in. Feel around. Enjoy. Then slip two hands in. They're not going to notice. Slap some skin. Eventually, you can probably slip in next to one of them under the sheets. Next, hold the torch under your face, turn it on and yell "SURPRISE!"

Great laughs for everyone, and all you need is a torch.

Sincerely,
4 Bitter Guys

Dear 4 Bitter Guys,

here's a doozy! i was out on thursday, got fairly hammered, and ended up having a conversation with one of my female friends centred around the topic of was i gay. she ended up convincing me that i was, and now she thinks i am, but i'm fairly sure i'm not, cos i'm in love with my best mate's girlfriend, and possibly the best mate as well. i'm currently experiencing a bit of a sexual awakening, having just started uni and all, but anyways it's pretty hard to program with all this running around my head, on top of which is the fact that another two of my best mates have also just started going out, and two others have just broken up, and i'm all depressed cos they were the hottest pair ever! in this crazy world where nothing is sure, what should i do?

Sincerely,
dazed and confused.

Tim says:

Ches, is that you? Hmm. If you can be convinced you're gay, you probably are in some way. The only advice I can offer is find a box of Kleenex. Again, it's a win-win-win situation (think about it).

Michael says:

We all know that sexual awakening is rivaled only by a good long cock. Book. Wait. What did I say? I think you should focus more on being a lesbian. Lesbians have the benefit of being a sexual minority (and thus a turn-on) while still having the attraction towards female anatomy. If I were a lesbian, I'd play with my boobs all day long in front of a mirror. Yep.

Sincerely,
4 Bitter Guys

Dear 4 Bitter Guys,

Just wondering something. What is this 'PlayNOW!' thing I keep reading about? Is it some bizarre cult? Could you give us ininformed readers a brief history of this mysterious sect?

Sincerely,
Barney

Tim says:

No. See http://poolroom.gamesarse.com/ for all the answers.

Michael says:

Have you ever had a dream, Barney, that you were so sure was real? What if you were unable to wake from that dream? How would you know the difference between the dream world and the real world? What if the dream world was called PlayNOW? Wouldn't make much sense, would it? Why is a wookie not on a planet with other wookies? It doesn't make sense. Thank-you.

Sincerely,
4 Bitter Guys

Dear 4 Bitter Guys,

My name is Mike and I have a problem. Everywhere I go people always think I'm gay why is that??? I ask all my friends do i give off that vibe and they said no so if you could help me out that would be great. thanx

Sincerely,
Mike

Tim says:

What's with all the gay people writing in? Not that there's anything wrong with that... Maybe it's to do with all the mentioning of incest and sex on the front page which draws our hits. Maybe it's the way anyone who tries to type www.hot guys.com into google.com gets our site up as the 4th highest hit. Maybe it's all the Ches pr0n? Now I'm asking the questions! What's going on in this crazy world? Anyway, Mike, I think it might be something to do with your pink tank top and tight jeans. Try a feather boa instead.

Michael says:

Well, for starters, that giant anal-dildo hat you're wearing with the t-shirt that says "UP YA BUM" might not be the best fashion statement.

Sincerely,
4 Bitter Guys

Dear 4 Bitter Guys,

Notification for Payment Sent !!!

Did you receive last payment?
$7999.97
If not Push button below.

Sincerely,
paymaster14@creditunion.com

Tim says:

I can't think of anything witty to say, I'm just sick of this spam.

Michael says:

I remember when those two guys who were spammers got killed in the states. That was kind of funny. But in a morbid way, like when you knock a little kid's ice-cream out of his hands onto the pavement on a really hot summer day, right after he's had his first lick. Pretty funny, and your friends will love the video tape you made of it, but yeah, you could have just stolen the ice-cream, and then you'd have an ice-cream AND a video.

Sincerely,
4 Bitter Guys

Dear 4 Bitter Guys,

I share a house with three guys, and we all get along very well. All the guys have girlfriends, and most of them don't have a huge impact on the 'house'. Except one.

This girl stays at our house 6-7 nights of the week (except the week she is on her rags), she is the world biggest freeloader, hasn't had a job since I have known her. She doesn't have a car or a bike, asks for lifts everywhere, takes baths, showers, cooks, does her laundry at our house. I wouldn't have thought it was possible for one person to generate so much mess, be it lounge room or kitchen mess.. especially since we are a lucky sharehouse blessed with a dishwasher (she can't even put the dishes into it!!)

She is always crying poor, she leaves her shit lying around the lounge room in piles everywhere, plus the garage has her 'stored' furniture which has been there for over 6 months even though she has been asked by 2 housemates to move it out of there (but you know... she has no car to move it with.. poor her. )

Obviously when God handed out the cars to all the good people in the world, somehow she missed out. Yess.....

We have tried talking to her, and the boyfriend realises there's a problem but it seems he doesn't want to confront her about it.. And she is pretty thick-skinned when it comes to things she doesn't want to hear.

Please bitter guys, how can we evict her from our house????!?!?!?

(and no, she is not even hot!)

Help help help!!
E

Michael says:

Dear E,

I hope you have a hot male friend who is willing to take one for the team. All you need to do is get him to slip her a mickey while her boyfriend isn't around, then shag her senseless. Time it so that your housemate gets to bust them in the act. They'll break up shortly after, and lo and behold, bitch be gone! Possible flaws to this plan include allegations of rape being held against your hot male friend, plus the legalities of purchasing said mickey.

If you have no hot male friends (and let's face it, you're writing to a website column for advice), I suggest indirectly making her life at the house as shitty as possible. Slip a red sock in with bitchface's laundry - there'll be no solid proof against you. Find out what kind of music she hates and start playing it when she's around. Give her food poisoning. Find out which toothbrush is hers and stick it up your arse.

The main thing to remember is that the whole reason you hate her is because you're secretly in love with your flatmate and want to slit the throat from ear-to-ear anyone who gets between you both. You were meant to be together... why else would you have a faceless wooden effigy of your flatmate? :)

Miles says:

Just leave this webpage sitting open on her boyfriend's computer. Or if she's too dumb to use the internet, print it out and put it on the fridge. Comedy shall ensue.

Take care,
4 Bitter Guys