Dear 4 Bitter Guys,

How much wood would a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck would chuck wood?

Sincerely,
Matt, VIC.

Michael says:

A large part of being gay is having sexual feelings towards people of the same sex. These feelings are sources of confusion for many gay teens. Gay males are consistantly turned on (usually to the point of getting an erection) by other guys and are not turned on by girls.

It's important to know that a short boner when seeing another guy with a boner doesn't nessicerily mean you're gay, in fact, it is sometimes a natural reaction. If you're gay male, you will have these feelings for long periods of time, and again, girls will not turn you on.

Be proud of your sexuality - you deserve it.

Tim says:

Des Weiteren ist das Übrige auszuschließen und im Übrigen sind die Ausschlüße zu erweitern und die Erweiterungen sind ausschießlich zu erübrigen. Erübrigungen werden des Weiteren ausgeschlossen. Ausgeschlossene Erweiterungen sind übrig. Übrige Ausschlüsse werden erweitert. Erweiterte Erübrigungen werden auschgeschlossen. Ausszuschließende Erübrigungen werden erweitert. usw.

Sincerely,
4 Bitter Guys

Dear 4 Bitter Guys,

What was the point of the Harry Potter movie? Sure, it was a good film and all, but what the hell was the point? It hardly added anything new.

Sincerely,
Bilbo.

Michael says:

In my personal opinion, Harry Potter is the astral projection medium for the dead ghost of Barney the Purple Dinosaur. Its sole purpose was to broadcast subliminal sex messages to the innocent underage youth of the world, in an attempt to corrode our society and nurture the dark side of the soul.

We must be prepared. We will not surrender.

Tim says:

The point? Well, what was the point of Lord of the Rings? It was the same as the book. What do you think the damn point is? It's so all the directors and producers in Hollywood can continue to afford their hookers.

Sincerely,
4 Bitter Guys

Dear 4 Bitter Guys,

There's a girl at work I'd like to sleep with, which means I should probably have some kind of meaningful relationship with her too. The trouble is, she doesn't drink alcohol, and listens to Creed.

I really don't think we're going to relate.

Is there any kind of drugs I could slip into her orange juice which could assist me in my noble conquest? Should I ask my girlfriend for suggestions?

Sincerely,
Zero.

Michael says:

Ask your girlfriend for some GHB or Liquid E. It induces a heightened sensitivity of touch, coupled with the same warmth and trust towards others that MDMA induces.

Then, when your girlfriend leaves you, you get fired, and you're in jail for date rape, ask your new girlfriend Bubba "Nugget" Chubbs to use Spike Ultimate Anal Lubricant to ease the sensation of his 11" member drilling its way up your colon.

Tim says:

I was going to mention something about my last girlfriend not drinking and listening to Pearl Jam, but I think I might get in trouble. 4 Bitter Guys do not condone date rape. However, we heartily condone getting a second chick in the relationship. (I think I just got in trouble)

Sincerely,
4 Bitter Guys

Dear 4 Bitter Guys,

People at my work continually make fun of me about my ears. My name is Simon Shears so they all call me Bigears, or sometimes, in the really low moments, Rabbit. How can I get them to stop?

I am really losing my self confidence and need some help.

Sincerely,
Simon.

Michael says:

The best thing to do when you get hurt by someone else is to simply ignore it. Don't bring it up with them at a later point, as this will only cause further embarassment and encouragement since you'll be letting them know they're getting to you.

Instead, bottle up all that anger into a tight little ball, and keep adding to that little ball inside your mind, until one day, when the boss decides to fire you for no good reason, you can calmly walk out the door and return an hour or two later with a 7.62mm A-91 assault rifle and a pile of ammo.

If you can only obtain a 5.45mm assault rifle, remember that the bullets probably won't penetrate thick walls or employees, but with a 7.62mm rifle you will be able to send a bullet through several employees at once should the shot be lined up correctly.

Also, try to avoid being fired on a Friday afternoon, as you may have time to cool off and think about your actions over the weekend before returning on Monday for The Vengeance™.

Some tips when taking out colleagues:

1. Block off their exits.
2. Always have your back to a wall. Other colleagues may try to wrestle you to the floor if out of sight.
3. For maximum crunchy satisfaction, aim for the knees.
4. A slow, prolongued death, can be caused by putting a single bullet into the stomach.
5. Don't forget to save a bullet for yourself!

No-one ever said going postal was easy, but with the correct preparation you will be able to bring doom and despair to those around you smoothly and efficiently.

Tim says:

I think Michael has summed it up pretty well, Bigears. Two words: Plastic surgery.

Satan says:

Your workmates do not have souls, and must be punished. Bring them to me, my son.

Koko the Gorilla says:

Koko. Ball. Play. Love.

Sincerely,
4 Bitter Guys

Dear 4 Bitter Guys,

Why is the site called 4 bitter guys when only Michael does anything on the site?

I think Michael should make a radical break off site called 1 bitter guy... or something to that effect.

Sincerely,
Mu.

Tim says:

It may look like that now, but I assure you it *is* actually one bitter guy and his occasional side-kick, Tim. Miles and Ches are fictional characters don't forget, which is why all the articles they've done are lame Playstation 2 reviews. Those things just wrote themselves. Michael is filling an emotional void at the moment while he adds to his ball of pain. I assure you his "creativity" will not continue.

Michael says:

I am filling an emotional void at the moment while I add to my ball of pain. I assure you my "creativity" will not continue. This recent photo from a 4BG drinking party may also help to explain why content is primarily coming from me:

Left to right: Ches, Michael, Miles, Tim.

The other reason I roped in the other 3 Bitter Guys is because domain names don't come for free, and I needed some saps to cover some of my costs.

Deep down, however, I can't help but feel like all four Bitter Guys are being manipulated by Koko for some greater scheme that we simple humans cannot comprehend.

Sincerely,
4 Bitter Guys

Dear 4 Bitter Guys,

You have to answer my question. I know you get a lot, but this is really important to me.

I am in love with stacy from iamafish.org. I notice you guys link her, so I thought maybe you could help me with this.

I LOVE HER. I know it sounds odd... I feel ODD. But, there is something about her. Her beauty, her intelligence, her smile. I don't know what to do or say, but .. I don't know how to make her notice me.

I email her, she emails me back. I message her, she messages me back. I beg for attention, and she is kind enough to turn on her cam for me. She is nice.

But it's not enough. But yet, I don't know what I want. Can you tell me what I want?

Thanks
- Iluvcamgirls

Michael says:

You mean the Stacester? No way! Stace and us 4 Bitter Guys are like *that* (holds up crossed fingers). We hang out all the time, she's awesome. We're all so casual around each other, it's like, I've seen her naked, sooooo many times. But I digress.

As one of Stacy's closest friends, I am able to give you inside information that will allow you to win her heart (and mind) over. You should prove your love for her in an inventive, playful manner because as you know, she likes inventive, playful people. I suggest sticking with the "I am a fish" theme.

Send her a fish (I recommend a blue marlin) in the mail. Wait a week, then send her two king mackarels. After she starts wondering who her aqueous secret admirer is, purchase several hundred kilos of gag groupers (that special way of saying "I love you" with fish) and have them delivered to her front lawn. The smell will be sure to win you a place in her heart, and if not, hey, at least she gets a year's supply of free fish, right?

Miles says:

I hardly think Michael is the best man to be giving advice about being in love with cam girls.

Sincerely,
4 Bitter Guys

Dear 4 bitter guys,

What advice would you give for a nice, innocent 17 year old school girl who keeps getting phone calls from a FREAK who she is not attracted to. Bit of background: He fancies himself as a bit of a comedian, he is a Law student at Melbourne Uni, he's paranoid about getting cancer from his mobile phone, and walking up stairs because it will damage his knees. He likes 17 year old school girls. Think Woody Allen at the age of 19 or 20. . . i need your help desperately!

Sincerely,
Stalked

Miles says:

How is it a character flaw that the man likes 17 year old girls? Who doesn't? And what's with bagging Woody Allen? At any rate, you're in a bit of a pickle. My advice would be to let him down really lightly, letting him know that although you find him grotesque and annoying, you'd love to remain friends with him and enjoy the good times in life together. I'm sure he'll take this well and stop pursuing a relationship with you - you don't mind having a new best friend, right?

PS: This is another guy right? I'm sure there's a good reason you haven't been returning my calls.

Hope that helps.

Michael says:

The quickest way to ditch a freak who won't stop obsessing over you is to have sex with him, especially if you're a nice, innocent 17 year old school girl. Also, wear your school girl uniform whenever you're around him, and giggle lots. And wear pigtails. And drop your pencil and bend over without bending your knees to pick it up. And do it in front of me. Oh yeah. Do it again. Ohhh. Keep going. Ohhhhhhh. That's it. Oohaaaohohahhhhaauggghh. UUuugngngnh...agf

... and I'm spent.

Sincerely,
4 Bitter Guys