Dear 4 Bitter Guys,

Why is it that when I go to places and impress girls with continuous mentions of my overly large "schlong", they seem to become repulsed, muttering something about a "hideous deformed troglodyte" and a hardware store?

Sincerely,
Bob, VIC.

Dear Bob,

Michael says:

You should try being more direct. Shy guys like yourself often don't make it clear enough that you want to have sex with a girl, as your fear of rejection overcomes your attraction. Project your confidence outwards, and state clearly that you and your ferocious trunk are ready for a sexually oriented commitment.

Emotional commitment is important to females, so next time you're talking to a girl, why not suggest you, her, and your mammoth cock go out for coffee and get to know each other better? She'll soon learn that beneath that hideously deformed troglodyte exterior lies a tender, warm rod-and-tackle looking for a soul mate, and superfluous multiple-orgasm visceral sex.

Tim says:

I think you've answered yourself there. A schlong, in Portuguese, means a large tool used for removing hideous deformed troglodytes. You're obviously going for the international ladies and as such are hitting what is known as "The Language Barrier" (tm). In future, just refer to your overly large penis (or Schwanz for the German ladies) and I'm sure it'll clear up all issues.

Sincerely,
4 Bitter Guys

Dear 4 Bitter Guys,

I'm desperately in love with Nikki Webster. She won't return my 'phone calls or respond to my letters. My friend says she already has a boyfriend but I don't believe him. What can I do to make Nikki Webster notice me?

Sincerely,
M Munro, Willoughby.

Dear M Munro,

Tim says:

The reason Nikki won't return your phone calls and letters is obviously because you have the wrong phone number and address. I'm sure as soon as you get these right, she'll ditch her boyfriend and give in to your incredible charm. Even if Nikki does have a boyfriend, I'm sure you'll easily convince her the benefits of seeing someone 5 times her age, such as lifts to school in the morning and extra pocket money.

Michael says:

The simplest way to determine if Nikki has a boyfriend is simple: Follow her around, and go through her garbage. Not only will you gain crucial insights into her relational status, but you will also gain vast information about her diet, personal hygiene, preferred reading material and, if you're lucky, her favourite colour.

Then, when you see her next, you make her day by saying "Hello Nikki. Would you care to peruse the latest Ralph magazine over a dry martini with me? Perhaps I could offer you a pink box of tampons? My favourite shampoo is Sunsilk, what's yours?"

See you at the wedding!

Sincerely,
4 Bitter Guys

Why are you so bitter?
And how does Amy get the taste out of her mouth?

Sincerely,
Lou, VIC.

Dear Lou,

Miles says:

A tricky one here. Why are we so bitter? My best guess would be a combination of the twisted and cruel society we live in, as well as having to conform to its social and gender stereotypes. Diet may also have something to do with it.

As for your second question - I'm not quite sure what taste you're referring to. Perhaps you've misinterpreted the meaning of the word 'bitter' - we mean it of course in a metaphorical sense here. I hope that sorts you out.

Tim says:

Bitterness is a quality few can attain correctly. If we told you why we are so bitter we would be revealing our secrets, and paving the way to many more bitter sites by bitter people.

And I'm sure Amy uses plenty of mouthwash. And encourages the use of Kleenex.

Michael says:

I'm not touching that with an industrial-length barge pole. (And I'm not going near any barges, either.)

Sincerely,
4 Bitter Guys

The other day at a social gathering for my local Science Students Society™, I noticed a couple of young go-getters setting the dancefloor alive! Their sexually provocative moves and snappy dressing surely caused a stir amongst the other party goers.

Upon closer inspection, I was shocked to recognise these nubile young lovers as my close friends - who are in fact brother and sister. Now, I'm not the kind of woman that names names, so lets just call them M and L Simpson, no, on second thoughts Matt and Lou S.

Tell me, four bitter guys, is this kind of public incestuous behaviour highly innapropriate or am I just an old fashioned "stick in the mud"?

From A Woman Who May Be Poor But Still Has Her Pride And Nobody Can Take That Away From Her

Dear A Woman Who May Be Poor But Still Has Her Pride And Nobody Can Take That Away From Her,

Miles says:

Yet another tricky problem. Good to see all these youngsters out there turning to their older, more experienced peers for advice.

Now, to your question. In these heady days of the new millennium, who is to say what is and isn't appropriate? As we've already seen with Angelina Jolie at the Oscars, incest is definitely in for people strong and willing enough to try and break society's taboos.

Personally though, I think they're sick fucks.

All the best.

Sincerely,
4 Bitter Guys

Guys, please help. See, I've been trying to set up a witty web-site that encapsulates just how cool it is to be a white, middle-class, bored kid in Average Australia. I've thought of hooking up with my mates, and creating, y'know, 'FiveFuckingCoolFriends.com', and 'SixSextasticSpunkySchlongSuckingSpastics.com', but I don't share your jiggyness with the domain-name-hosting people, and they won't return my calls. Can you help me?

Alternatively, I'd really like to arrange some sex with Mariah Carey, who's probably really easy right now. Feel free to respond at your convenience.

Cheers moites,
Dan, VIC.

Dear Dan,

Michael says:

The key to a witty website is not excessive use of alliteration, contrary to popular high-school-English-teacher belief. Where would 4BG be if we were called '4 Big Brazen Blatant Brainy Bitter Bastards'? We'd be 4BBBBB then, and jesus tap-dancing christ, who is going to remember that? Not I, kind sir, not I.

The best way to create a witty web-site is to steal other people's jokes, like this one: If you want your ISP to take notice of you, simply place a jack-o-lantern with a knife in its side on their reception desk when no-one is looking with a label attached to it saying "You". That will get their attention, and hey, no harm done.

To get sex with Mariah Carey, simply place a jack-o-lantern with a knife in its side on her hospital bed while she is asleep with a label attached to it saying "You". That will get her attention, and hey, no harm done.

And in other world news, ten terrible toy tanks tortured tiny Tommy Tucker.

Tim says:

Dan, it is obvious you have no hope at creating a decent web site, and thus your only recourse is to have sex with Mariah. My opinion is this is best for the both of you.

Sincerely,
4 Bitter Guys

Dear 4 Bitter Guys,

Why is Natalie Imbruglia's official website run by her British record company?

Tom
Central Coast, NSW.

Dear Tom,

Michael says:

I'm glad you asked, as there is a simple answer: Only ugly people are allowed to make websites (This is in adherance with www.w3.org's original HTML specification).

All British people are perfect candidates for web designers since they all have teeth like this:

For more British smiles, be sure to visit The Big Book of British Smiles.

Sincerely,
4 Bitter Guys

Dear 4 Bitter Guys,

What is wrong with my car?

Depressed owner of an automobile.
Williamstown, VIC.

Dear Depressed owner of an automobile,

Tim says:

Well, judging by the year, the make, and the model, coupled with your faxed in service histories and list of symptoms, I'd say your most likely problem is the oil needs changing. Have a skittlebrau, and happy changing.

Miles says:

Looking at this photo, it's obvious that your left window winder is broken, and your clock no longer functions. Oh yeah, and I just noticed your fuel gauge doesn't work. You might want to get that checked out before you run out of gas somewhere, and have to trudge a few kays to get petrol.

Some new car mats may also brighten the interior of your car.

Michael says:

Is there nothing more annoying that when some bastard keys the side of your car? Especially when they use a whipper snipper.

Sincerely,
4 Bitter Guys

Help me!! My breasts have become so large of late that I can't go anywhere without being noticed, I've tried everything, taping them down, wearing baggy clothing, drinking paint thinners, cutting them with scissors, but they just wont budge. Boys dont seem to have any tact when it comes to my size and now im just about ready to end it all. How can i possibly leave the house confidently whilst I look this way? Please help.

Big Tits, NSW.

Dear Big Tits,

Tim says:

I'm sorry but I fail to see the problem here. You must really learn to accept your gift and appreciate it. We do. Next.

Michael says:

Don't worry too much about the size of the human attached to you - it is quite common for large breasts such as yourself to develop a female around them. If you find the human is getting irritating or overzealous, it may be necessary to have her removed or labotomised. If you would like more information, visit your local doctor.

Sincerely,
4 Bitter Guys

I have these 4 male friends, and they're bunch of nerds who use their spare time to work on frivolous web sites (that no one ever visits). How do I save them from the cold lonely exsistence [sic] that their excessive nerdiness has them destined for??

Worriedly,
Kate, VIC.

Dear Kate,

Tim says:

Hmmm... Sounds like these four friends of yours are socially maladjusted misfits. Are you sure they're even your friends? People that spend all day writing frivolous webpages really should just get out more. Hey, what's their URL? I wouldn't mind having a look.

Michael says:

Statistically speaking, 1 out of every 4 nerds is tall, lanky, witty, appeals to gay men, and will generally live a happy life so long as he decides to be homosexual. As for the other 3 out of 4, they generally atrophy into a pizza box. Keep hope alive.

Miles says:

Obviously their existance is only cold and lonely because of the lack of hits on their web page, and not their nerdiness. Tell them to start a porn site instead.

Sincerely,
4 Bitter Guys

Dear 4 Bitter Guys,

Here's a doozy for you. There's this chick (of course). She's a year below me at uni. She's pretty fine. And yes Tim, she may be of the oriental variety, but there's nothing wrong with dining out is there? And I'm pretty sure she didn't come in on the last high tide... Anyhoo, I'm keen on her, and I'm sure she's keen on me. Here's the catch. I am about to go into business with her most recent (ie 3 weeks ago) boyfriend and a couple of other friends. The ex is still a bit keen on her. I am concerned about how he would handle it if I hook-up with the girl. Whaddya reckon?

Sincerely,
Nick, VIC.

Dear Nick,

Tim says:

Younger women are always an attractive proposition, as witnessed by our Nikki Webster boyfriend-wannabe. An oriental stir-fry certainly is a fine way to dine out but I'm not sure I follow your logic. One minute you're asking about a young girl and the next you're talking about dinner? And high tides? Again, I fail to see a real problem here. Business, sex and exs mix perfectly. I'm sure he'd see it as a convenient way of tying up loose ends while keeping his friends and business partners serviced and happy without the sleaziness that accompanies hired escorts.

Michael says:

Hmm, I generally prefer beef or even tomato salsa flavoured girls. But more to the point, you shouldn't be "hooking up" with anyone - drugs are a terrible cycle, and you only need to "hook up" once before you're addicted. I hope, as a bare minimum, you're using separate needles and disposing of them thoughtfully. Honestly, the youth of today... *disapproving head shake* And what's this about going into business with her? You could be jailed for years. Users are losers, but dealers aren't healers!

Miles says:

No wukkas here mate. Any tension caused in the business venture will only add a bit of variety and spice to your life. If you want things to be even more interesting, do it on the sly, then let it slip to yourmate while out on the piss one night. Of course, you could always be a good bloke and keep your hands off, but what kind of wanker does that?

Sincerely,
4 Bitter Guys

Dear 4 Bitter Guys,

Here's a doozy for you. Does my arse look fat in this dress? And what sort of society do we live in where guys just can't where dresses around? I mean, Jesus H Christ, some of us just want to live, LIVE I say. Am I gay?

Sincerely,
Rob Simpson, VIC.

Dear Rob,

Tim says:

Well Rob, I'm afraid it does. And with good reason. You're a fat bastard. I think society is set up as such to stop fat weirdos like you getting away with it. Not that there's anything wrong with that. If you want to live like that then so be it, but hey, just don't involve us.

Michael says:

Never think too much about how fat your arse looks in a dress. When you gain enough self confidence, you can strut your stuff no matter what your body shape or size! Why be self-conscious and scared, when you can look like this fine lady?

Get confident, stupid!

PS. You are gay.

Miles says:

Cripes mate, do you really need us to tell us your arse looks fat in that dress? It looks bloody woeful. And I think you'll find you CAN wear a dress around, just don't expect a fantastic reception at the Cricketer's Arms on a Friday night.

PS: Most definitely gay.

Sincerely,
4 Bitter Guys

Dear 4 Bitter Guys,

I have this boyfriend who only works for 2 days a week, whilst I study full-time and work on the weekends. He also started up some console-fanboy website that he doesn't even contribute to anymore. He has also become extremely disinterested in sex with our pets and I'm beginning to worry. Usually their relationship makes me jealous, but he seems depressed and now I think that maybe it was good for him. Please help me snap Che -- I mean my boyfriend -- out of this rut.

Sincerely,
Bustybonnie, VIC.

Dear Bustybonnie,

Ches says:

... (tumbleweed) ...

Michael says:

... (crickets cheeping) ...

Miles says:

... (somewhere in the distance, an owl hoots) ...

Tim says:

Fucking lame. Really. I couldn't be arsed unless you guys actually try. You guys never reply to my emails, hardly post in the forums, and do stuff all for the site.

Yeah I know, we've *all* been busy. And yeah, I know, it's *supposed* to be fun, not a chore. But when only one person bothers then it's not fun for anybody, it's just a waste of money, and a waste of my time and energy that I bothered putting in.

And then, get this, Michael says:

Tim, as you may be aware, Miles, Ches and I have been a little "behind" in terms of our contributions to 4BG 8-) But I want you to know (on behalf of all of us) that we haven't forgotten about the site completely, we've just been very busy lately.

Speaking for myself, I've had the whole "new girlfriend" thing happening, so that's knocked me off the radar for 90% of the time :-) I can't speak for the other guys but I'm sure that their lives are just starting to get pretty chockers at the moment aswell with uni + g/fs + prosh week + scavenger hunt for uni etc...

In my honest opinion, I really don't think its absolutely crucial that we post a news item every day - I think that in busy times like the middle of semester, a post by one of us every 4-5 days would be more than adequate. People aren't going to be visiting the site every day for changes (except maybe the forums) since the site's content isn't that dynamic. Don't feel like you have to keep posting stuff like a machine - me thinks you need to relax a bit :) We've all chipped in for the site and we'll all wear the cost, so really it's us that are losing our value here, not you :)

I understand it's frustrating when you're posting stuff all the time and no-one else is, so maybe we should have a compromise and set up some sort of deadlining system like we were talking about. If we all just made a personal commitment to ourselves to do (at minimum) one news post per week, things would be cool I reckon. I wonder what Ches + Miles think about that...... .any comments guys? We don't want this thing to become more hassle than its worth, and we want to keep it fun, but it might not be a bad idea to set a really bare quota level so that we don't let things stagnate too much.

Anyway, that's all I really have to say. I know you're fucking pissed off at us Timbo, god bless you, but that's not going to solve anything :) - let's just try and work out a compromise.

And so, Tim says:

I still hate you all :(

Finally, Michael concludes:

Hope that answers your question, Bustybonnie!

Sincerely,
4 Bitter Guys

Dear 4 Bitter Guys,

Every time I go to this one self help site, it takes ages to load 'cause it's about ten screens long and there's all these stupid pictures and a big-arse background to load and I've only got a 28k modem. Why dont they separate the page into some sort of "page" system, or with "archives"? Am I gay?

Sincerely,
Matt, VIC.

Miles says:

Matt, you seem to be asking the wrong questions here. Obviously if you need to keep writing in to a bunch of blokes running some half-arsed website for a bit of fun for help, there's something seriously lacking in your spiritual happiness and general well-being.

But to answer your question with a question, is it our fault you're so poor you've got a modem half the speed of the current standard? Get a job hippy, and stop hassling us.

Hope that helps Matt.

PS: Yes, you're gay.

Sincerely,
4 Bitter Guys